Yes, I adapted the title of SAO II anime episode 14, where Asada Shino (Sinon) eventually faced her fear of guns in real life, and move on from it since then.
When I watched the first part of the anime, Sinon was somehow similar with me, with the only difference in objects that we feared and the unpleasant experiences that we had associated to the fear. Probably Sinon’s case was worse than mine. Even a hand gesture of the gun will trigger PTSD. Why? Because she killed a robber with a gun at a young age out of her instinct to protect her mother.
When I was 10, I was forced to wear makeup due to an event. It was devastating (for me) and the photo of me was publicised on newspaper and YouTube. Since then the event haunted me till today, and I feared makeup, from the bottom of my heart. I would act like a tomboy, avoid from taking part in any activities which require makeup such as cheerleading, performing on stage, etc even though I am interested in it. IT SEEMED STUPID though, because most of the people would think that makeup is just something on your face and that shouldn’t be the restricting factor. But for me at that time, once I saw makeup kits, I would run away from it as far as possible, like escaping from miasma as fast as I could. Even the process of applying it on others’ face will still make me go ‘berserk’ and unable to calm down.
For the past 10 years, I kept asking: Who the heck had invented makeup and why the hell do women (and performers) need it in the first place? I even googled it for the answer. I even wished that it was non-existent so that I won’t be suffering till today.
However, as I grow up, I am a more matured person as compared to the past (not as matured as my peers though), and I started to accept the fact that women will eventually make makeup as a part of their life. However I still wouldn’t accept it when it comes to putting it on MY FACE, because I hate the sensation of makeup being caked on the skin.
Okay back to the topic.
I had eventually embraced my ultimate fear, after 10 years and 4 months, to be precise.
I had actually planned a few strategies to run away from reality:
- Pretend to be overslept, only to be present when everyone’s makeup is done.
- Buy another cup of Avocado Milkshake and have food poisoning again.
- When it is my turn to put on makeup, pretend that I got stomachache and need to go to toilet immediately, and spend my time with the toilet bowl
…but none of the them were viable, in the end I didn’t put that into action because:
- Our choreographer asked for our room number to ensure that no one is overslept.
- (and 3) It will be a burden not only to the dancers, but to the helpers as well. Furthermore the effort that we put in will be in vain.
As stated in my previous post, 1st August 2016: When Phantom will no longer be Phantom, I would do something before wearing makeup for self-satisfaction. (And attention diverting). I woke up at 1:30am, an hour earlier than the expected wake-up time. I turned on my laptop and started playing Project Diva Extend, with an aim to achieve a perfect score on any songs in Extreme difficulty. Then I took a shower, packed everything up and rushed to the upper lounge to have makeup done.
I WAS SO SURPRISED THAT MY OGL FOR RHOC WAS PART OF THE MAKEUP TEAM. At the beginning, everyone was rushing to put on face paint, eyeshadow etc. Except for me. I was sitting at a corner (again), playing with Project Diva Extend and watching YouTube videos. (Yes I am very antisocial+introverted) This time, I was really excluded because most of them were still thinking that I will be wearing mask to perform instead. The choreographer was busy with drawing face paint on boys too.
My heart was thumping fast. It was an automated mechanism out of my fear. But……everyone was doing it. If I didn’t do it, I wouldn’t blend in well with the group isn’t it?
“Shu Ching, come on, just do it! Just a while and it will be over soon! Makeup ain’t to be as scary as you think.” Joelle encouraged me.
Someway, somehow, I had the courage to step forward. To confront with my fear head on. I knew that this is the first little step for me to accept makeup, at least for now.
3:50am. Everyone’s makeup was almost done. I went to Joelle.
“Joelle, can you help me to put on foundation?”
Without saying much, she started to cake on foundation powder all over my face. Then the other helpers started to put on other stuffs like eyeshadow, eyeliner, face paint etc. I struggled, with my clenched fist throughout the whole process, because that was my fear after all. But I successfully endured it. Just like Sinon.
When it came to applying lipstick, the helper actually mixed it with concealer so that the colour wasn’t too dark (she actually knew my problem). But the choreographer said “How come her lip colour was lighter than the others?”. Then she had no choice but to apply another layer of the lipstick with the original colour. -_-lll
DONE. Unexpectedly, I didn’t go insane, I wasn’t panic. I didn’t cry my a** out. My feeling was just “Oh…that’s it?” Some of my friends told me “Eh I thought you will go crazy or cry or wad leh”
I didn’t look at the mirror all the time till when we went to UTown dance studio. I looked fine actually, since everyone was wearing the same makeup. Just…the lips. OKAY. I just wiped off some of it during breakfast.
And makeup didn’t give a damn to me anymore when the longed Pokemon GO was out on the same day. I became a pokemon trainer, with makeup on.
My friends and seniors from MSL came and support us! I was lying down on the floor, while my friend, Khe Ying whatsapped me that they had arrived at the dance studio. I was surprised because they woke up early way before the event started. 😀 And we took a photo.
Do I conquer my fear? Yes, but not 100%. If I can choose, I will still go for makeup free, unless if I am involving in a certain performance.
(PS: Thank you for reading it till the end)