20th December 2016: Even chocolate tastes bitter

As expected, this is a TLDR post, on the past mistakes that I’d done in this first semester in NUS. Of course, it has come to me, in a painful punishment.

(TLDR is an Internet slang which means Too Long, Don’t Read)

In this semester, while my friends are mugging in their rooms, I was there, taking part in various activities, both halls and NUS activities like dancing, choir, volunteering, engineering societies, photography committee. It’s good to take part in extra activities, not only acquiring new skills, but also getting to know a lot of people from halls and university too, building up own social network. It also encourages me to venture out of comfort zone, dancing and volunteering services are among the obvious ones though.

Buddha’s Teachings are always right. Middle path is the best way. Never indulge in something too much, because eventually it will bring up negative impacts to one self instead. Because of my temptation of being adventurous in my uni life, I have very little time on my studies. Here’s where problem comes after, snowballing over the time.

I didn’t realise that time passed really fast. Just an instant, here comes the mid terms. Because I was not really prepared, as expected, I screwed up during mid terms. I was envious of my friends’ achievement during mid terms, without realising the effort that they had channeled into their daily study routine. Because they are smart and wise to choose a few activities that they can focus in, hence they are able to allocate more time in their studies.

It’s too late when I noticed that I had sacrificed so much time in activities and it’s pretty irresponsible for me to pull out halfway. I used the remaining one and a half month to squeeze out every minute that I can to study in Utown, with my friends. By that time, I couldn’t understand a lot of basics that I should had learnt before mid terms, hence I struggled a lot when I did my revision. I sought help from my seniors, my coursemates and professors, hoping that they can shine a light on me.

There are a few seniors adviced me to change course before it’s too late because they can sensed me suffering in the next 3 years. Some told me ‘it’s okay, it’s just the first semester. Try your best in these next semesters, your hard work definitely pay off’. I was lost. I don’t know which advice should I heed to. Should I give up and succumb to the fact that this is my limit, or push myself further, just like Kurogane Ikki from Rakudai Kishi no Chivalry? Maybe it’s just one more push, and everything will be fine?

I don’t know. The future is unclear and vague. But I think I can change the future by changing my present situation now. Now I’ve realised my mistakes, then the first thing I need to do is to amend them.

  1. Manage time properly, every second is precious to me now, and try to cut off time on useless Whatsapp and other social media.
  2. Have an aim in mind on every lesson, like what will I learn, which part I need to seek clarification etc.
  3. Have a short term and long term goal. Now I realised how important it is, after taking part in Project Campvision and this incident.
  4. Perseverance, perseverance and perseverance!!
  5. No more slacking off!!!!!

When I took a bar of milk chocolate, it melted, but it tasted bitter. Then moments after, my tear gland responded to both the bitterness of the chocolate and my heart. Watery liquid, tasted bitter and salty, streamed across my face. 

Wait. Am I crying? NO. I shouldn’t cry. It’s a sign of exposing my weakness to the others! STOP!!

My dad told me, “it’s fine, child. I know you’ve tried your best. Cry your heart out.”

Without hesitation, I cried, unable to control my feelings anymore. But after I cried, I promise, time to look forward, I will stand up from my failure. No matter how many people looking down at me, laughed at me, or pouring pails of icy cold water on me.

Thank you, father, for shouldering me when I was weak, and pathetic.

 

 

 

 

 

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