My journey of STPM: Downfall

(continued from My journey of STPM: A bad start)

Flashback #4: 9th May 2014

I think that day was the shittiest among all.


Please. Now nothing is guaranteed. It’s better to walk my own path rather than everything decided by you. It’s my life, not yours. And Teaching Profession is NOT THE BEST JOB AMONG ALL. At least not the best in Malaysia though.

My father was so furious because of me not wanted to attend teacher’s training interview. I am totally not interested in teaching at the first place. I applied for that just because my parents and relatives asked me doing so. It’s a 5-year programme and after graduating from teacher’s training college you will be awarded a degree in education and posted to primary schools. So yeah, teaching in Malaysia is a ‘steel bowl’, you won’t get fired even though your performance is poor, and you will still get promoted over time.

However, because of my mum, I decided to please my dad just once. I blabbered all the way during interview, attempting to let this chance slip off my hands, the others should deserve it, anyway…….

And because of this, I missed the last day of orientation week, when we would be performing and get to know which class am I in. As a result? I was really clueless the next day, wondering how to go to my classroom. In the end I asked a teacher (who turned out to be my PA teacher) to guide me for directions.

I managed to make some new friends and we got along well too. Most of the teachers are really good so basically I don’t need to worry so much.

However things had turned out otherwise.

It has been a downfall period for me since the first day.

Initially there are 21 people in my class. Some of my friends were leaving because of getting better offers like matriks, IPG and many more. So one by one, my friends are leaving me. Sometimes a sense of loneliness just gushed through my throat. It’s uncomfortable, sometimes I wished them to stay in form six instead, but everyone is unique and have their own ideal ways too. I could do nothing but to wish them all the best in the new environment. I have lesser people to talk with now. The usual cheerful and happy study environment was gone because of my classmate went to matriks college.

Before I settled myself down in form six, I was clinging to my last tiny hope of studying in Japan: JPA scholarship. I wished that every student will be deserved what they obtained with their effort put in SPM. You know, we worked hard for something- a chance to study overseas. However, it was broken. The ideal image of what’s ahead of a straight A’s SPM student is just an illusion. Not everyone is granted with that miracle. Maybe it is no longer a big deal now.

Flashback #5: 23rd May 2014

Mum: I think you can check your JPA scholarship application status already.

ME: Really? (Full with anticipation)

Mum: …but I don’t think you should put your hopes too high.

I typed in my IC number as prompted, and seconds after, what’s shown in the screen, is a disappointing message:

Haraf maaf. Anda tidak berjaya. (Sorry, you’re not successful)

My only hope… is gone.

I heard thunderstorm and heavy rain came after that. The mixed feelings of sadness and how the game of destiny played against me…… I couldn’t stand anymore. Tears of anger, regrets and sadness just streamed over my face. My prayers were useless after all. Just like a quote from To Aru Kagaku no Railgun, “no matter how you pray, there will no miracles”.

I cuddled towards my mum, who seems relieved because they don’t have to worry about me studying overseas, but frustrated and angry as well.




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