Daily Prompt: Assay

(Came across daily prompt again in the homepage of wordpress.com. Actually I don’t really follow the daily prompts in wordpress unless there’s a theme which ‘clicks’.)

Initially I thought “assay” means experiments to determine the protein concentration (sorry I studied too much biology), but when I googled it, it has different meaning which is “attempt”.

2 days before CAC+US 2018! All the best for those who are performing! I will give my mental support this time. 🙂

Sensitive content below. If you are the person (especially performers) who is easily affected by negative comments, please stop here, and leave this post immediately.

“Let your hopes, not your hurts, shape your future.”

I’ve came across this quote yesterday, and it was really inspiring. The quote has a message behind it, which is, in a straightforward manner, stop thinking of the past and just move on, because the past can’t be changed anymore.

But who can really stop thinking of the past, like it never existed before?

I thought I’d forgotten the past.

I thought I am a strong person who just survived from several demoralising defeats.

I thought I am moving on.

But in the end, I found out I was still unable to walk out of this haunting past.

In these few months, I was living in delusions where everything is as usual, I had my study life, carried out RA duties promptly. I attempted to forget everything, trying to patch my bleeding heart by soaking myself in a busy schedule.

But when I was reminded of the past, tears still rolled out of my cheeks. The demon of jealousy and flame of hatred started to resurface, even after I suppressed it. The bandaged wound started bleeding, even with layers and layers of dressings and plasters.

I felt my heart is hollow, like something was missing. Because of me unable to perform in CAC+US 2018, I put my dance journey on a hiatus, and my photography journey was starting to slow down as well. I purposely dedicated my time in studies and research project. I started playing video games as a ‘filler’ for supposedly dance practices. People may tell me to just stop pursuing these because of “priority”, and “destiny”.

But deep down, I really wanted to continue. I wanted to live, to share the laughter and pain during each single practice sessions.

But I couldn’t.

When I scrolled the Instagram stories, I will never miss my friends taking videos of them dancing, and how happy they are. I always wished I was part of them.

But now, I am just a spectator. A meaningless and non-existent spectator.

I thought I want to take on the event as the official photographer, but the committee always preferred people who had experiences in concert photoshooting instead of an amateur like me.

Maybe it’s CAC+US that made me stop progressing on dance and even photography.

That’s the reason I don’t want to watch CAC+US performance 2018. I’ve rejected requests from my friends who attempted to sell tickets to me. I don’t want to be reminded of the defeating moments, I don’t want to cry halfway which will ruin the atmosphere a lot. I don’t want other audiences, who is excited to see his/her friends performing to be affected by my negative emotions. (Even though my instagram wall will be spammed by tons of photos later)

I’ve read a book on “Things You’ll See When You Slow Down” by Taemin Sunim. The book covered a chapter on “overcoming your jealousy”. Instead of suppressing these emotions, embrace them. Acknowledge the fact that currently you’re jealous will be more comfortable to your heart. That’s the reason I wrote this post, to voice out my hatred, and jealousy at once, and for all.

People may say, “why are you still clinging to the past?” “can’t you forget this already?” “you know, with your current level, you’ll never be with them”. Yes, I’ve heard of these, deep down I know my wish to perform is just like a Chinese verb, “A toad wishing to eat goose’s meat”. But no one understands the efforts done beneath this wish.

Okay, nevertheless, this is the end of my ranting post. I know once this post is published, I will definitely incur the wrath of certain people, especially the performers. But I want to clarify that I DO NOT INTEND TO HARM, OR INSULT ANY PEOPLE.

via Daily Prompt: Assay 

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